OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
