Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
