It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
