My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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