STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am midnight drunk by noon
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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