i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
