This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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