Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
