I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
