No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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