i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize