You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
