was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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