if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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