I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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