I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
