Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize