Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
