if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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