who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
