Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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