I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize