I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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