I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize