last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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