just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
