Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Are we still banned from the library?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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