Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
