at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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