I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
