my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
