I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
