at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
