Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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