My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
