your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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