She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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