someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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