Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
