I heard we made out
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
