when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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