Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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