Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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