dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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