i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
