So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize