Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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