remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
