She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
