how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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