So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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