Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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