she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
