i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
