You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
