it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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