You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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