were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
