I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
