margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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