I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
it glows. i had to have it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
